So often we try to make other people feel better by minimizing their pain, by telling them that it will get better (which it will) or that there are worse things in the world (which there are). But that’s not what I actually needed. What I actually needed was for someone to tell me that it hurt because it mattered. I have found this very useful to think about over the years, and I find that it is a lot easier and more bearable to be sad when you aren’t constantly berating yourself for being sad.
a quick reminder:
people with mental illnesses are not horrible people because they have mental illnesses. there are, however, some absolutely horrible people who also have mental illnesses, and not being able to deal with their bullshit/cutting them out of your life because they are toxic and cruel does not make you a bad person or a bad ally (to other people who are worth your time).
someone can be mentally ill and also abusive. you are not obligated to put up with abuse.
also, if the effects of your mental illness are such that they impact the way you treat people, you need to be responsible for understanding and dealing with that
I’ve done some selfish, unkind shit when in depressive episodes because being depressed can be like having blinders on, all you can feel is how shitty you feel, and when you’re in that kind of pain empathizing with other people is hard - which sucks but it doesn’t make treating other people like shit okay and pretending that my mental illnesses have never played a part in me fucking up doesn’t help me or anyone.
Having mental illnesses doesn’t make a person abusive. Total lack of accountability, self-awareness, responsibility, and respect for other peoples’ boundaries and autonomy does, no matter what kind of brain chemistry that shit is coming from.
excellent. also: it’s okay to understand that things that are part of (or also causes of/triggers for) mental illness may be motivating factors for someone’s actions, and to empathize with that, while not forgiving it.
Someone can do a lot of shitty stuff because they’re — traumatized, paranoid, insecure, can’t get out of black and white thinking, or literally in a delusional state, or any number of other things — and those things make it a little more understandable and less random, but that doesn’t mean EVERYONE who is in that state behaves that way — it is also cruel to associate anyone with the same mental illness with that cruelty — and it also doesn’t mean you have to accept that.
Anyone who is being abused or treated inconsiderately has the right to peace out. People who HAVE treated people shittily have the ability to change, and (as someone who has) it’s much better to do that than to think of it as one’s entire persona incapable of stopping or to berate themselves for it, which just leads to more selfish behavior. But someone’s efforts to change and evidence of growth doesn’t mean anyone owes it to them to stick around through that, or even accept an apology or any of that. You get to decide who you forgive.
daily reminder not to reblog missing people posts unless you actually know who the person in the photo is and that they really are missing, there are shitheads out there who look for people hiding from them. an abusive husband found his wife and child through such a post. they were under protected identity but he found them through a missing person post online.
This is why I never reblog missing person posts. Not because I’m an uncaring jerk.
Loving reminder that expunging toxic and abusive people from your life is ok even when you’re related to them
Caring notice that it’s ok to have complex and difficult feelings about people that have hurt you
Gentle memo that you aren’t obligated to forgive anyone if you don’t want to
Tender note that people who tell you otherwise mean you no good
But so often, “creating drama” is a phrase that people use when they want someone who has been a victim of something to shut up. It allows them to blame the victim for bringing the problem to their attention and making them feel bad while glossing over the fact that the drama was really created by the victimizER back when they did bad things. The friend group gets all caught up in issues of “fairness” and “logic” and “It was so long ago, why are you dredging it all up now?” and treating the victim’s feelings (or, again, quite rational & reasonable request to not have to sit next to one’s rapist at dinner) as illogical and unreasonable.
Someone who accuses you of “creating drama” in this case is basically saying that abusing & raping one’s partner might be bad, but making people feel weird about it at parties is worse.
The whole post is really good, especially if you need a refresher course in How Not To Be Horrible
Community abuse & rape apologism is something that abusers WILL & DO rely on to allow their abuse to continue & to push the victim into spaces where they cannot talk about any past abuses that transpired. Read this whole post and work on NEVER being a friend who asks someone to hang out with their rapist or abuser.
bolding & re-reblogging.
Charlie, you are so good with words and people.
YES. YES. ASDFASDLJ YES.
The only bad thing about this post is that it gives me such a flashback to college. I was privileged enough to not ever have to deal with this personally, but man trying to avoid and/or call out people for being abusive, triggering, rapists or douchebags meant basically getting socially shunned.
If someone is uncomfortable around someone else in their life for ANY reason, whether that’s abuse or just boundary issues — no matter HOW small or trumped up it may seem to you — don’t try to convince them that it’s fucking okay. It’s not okay and you’re not being a good friend by mediating. As someone who DOES mediate and hates confrontation, I will come right out and say it makes you (me!) a shithead to try and convince someone to be LESS COMFORTABLE so that “everyone gets along”.
Survivors of Ireland’s Magdalene laundries are awaiting a report today which will evaluate the role of the Irish state in the existence of these asylums and the abuses that occurred within them. The Magdalene laundries were church-run asylums existing from the 1920s until 1996 where girls were forced into what the UN has called slave labor as punishment for perceived sin and misconduct. About 30,000 Irish girls were subjected to such asylums, which exacted unpaid labor in exchange for harsh punishments and sexual abuse.
Survivors of the laundries, some of whom are now quite elderly, have threatened in advance of the report to go on hunger strike should the government not establish a system of financial redress for the women who were in these institutions.
Steven O’Riordan, representative for the group Magdalene Survivors Together stated that:
There is a possibility that this will happen. Some of the women have said if they do not get proper redress from a state which was responsible for being abandoned in these institutions. Many of them say they are at that age now where they have nothing to lose if the government fails to set up a scheme that will give some compensation for what happened to them.
If you want to know more about the laundries, there’s a fairly heartrending 2002 film, The Magdalene Sisters, which is based on a composite of true stories of girls who were sentenced to these asylums in the 1960s. It’s important to note, that while the movie depicts an incredibly horrifying situation, some survivors have said it doesn’t go far enough in its portrayal to be fully accurate.
Update: the report is out and Ireland has accepted official state guilt.
Photo: Early 20thc. unidentified Magdalene asylum. Via Wikipedia.
I forgot to reblog this when I first saw it, but it deserves reblogging, especially in light of the fact that although the update is accurate, apparently the PM has not gone so far as to actually APOLOGIZE for what happened so much as acknowledge that it did.
The link at the bottom about the accuracy of the film vs real life is worth reading; it also talks about the “industrial schools” which were sort of the male version and which continue to exist in parts of Ireland and the UK.
There’s more about what’s going on at the tag.
Developing the ability to piss other people off (or even to RISK pissing them off) without knuckling under is pretty much the Holy Grail of emotionally abused kids, I think. We are programmed to respond at the first sign of displeasure, and we don’t have the faith in ourselves and our decisions to weather the storm– or even a mild sprinkle– so we tend to freak out as if the world was ending if a cloud crosses the sun. We freak out about the possibility that we’re wrong, that we’re doing the wrong things, that we’re making the wrong choices, that we’ll make someone angry, because there’s this awful certainty lurking at the back of our minds that says “If you do the wrong thing, you will be in TROUBLE.” And being in TROUBLE is the worst thing, ever, because that part of our brain is forever three years old where our parents are our whole world and being in TROUBLE is the end of everything.
It takes a lot of practice to gain that sort of gut-level knowledge that we’re strong enough to handle this stuff and that the world doesn’t end if someone else is angry at us. It’s not an innate quality that some people have and some don’t; people who grow up in non-abusive homes learn it when they’re young, is all, and the rest of us have to learn it when we’re grown up. And it sucks, and it’s not fair, and it’s not fun, but there’s no getting around it, and you can do it, you CAN.
You can piss people off.
You can be wrong.
You can fuck up.
You can do stuff that everyone thinks is weird.
AND IT IS ALL OKAY. The world won’t end. You will still be a good person. And the likelihood is that most of the things you do WON’T be wrong, and WON’T piss people off, and WON’T be up-fuckery, and WON’T be weird, but if it is? The hell with it; fix it, if necessary, and move on.
(one can be abused outside the home—i.e. by bullies at school—and still have this attitude. Basically anyone with an anxiety disorder can have it too.)
OH MY GOD
OH MY GOD
OH MY GOD
i can’t even coherently explain how perfect this is. especially—
We are programmed to respond at the first sign of displeasure, and we don’t have the faith in ourselves and our decisions to weather the storm… “If you do the wrong thing, you will be in TROUBLE.” And being in TROUBLE is the worst thing, ever, because that part of our brain is forever three years old where our parents are our whole world and being in TROUBLE is the end of everything.
just… YES THIS ALL OF THIS.
The problem too is that when you’re this anxious all the time there IS NO MIDDLE GROUND. If you do let yourself get angry, it’s not rational, it’s not even sensical, it may not be well controlled because you’ve never learned how, you’ve never let yourself be confrontational and so you’ve never had to learn the rules. And from my personal experience it’s only around people that I trust implicitly because they’ve proven themselves to stick around for feelings — so the people I love most are the ones who get the most shit. Having been emotionally abused or in some other way made to be terrified of losing people can make you a HUGE ASSHOLE if you’re not careful.
[TW: video contains discussion of the abuse received, including threats (of violence and rape), visual depiction of violence, and sexist and racist attacks; Anita adds her own warning before the most triggering content]
What I don’t understand is how (well, anyone thinks this is okay) but also, how you can possibly be a guy and think “you know what, I am so threatened by the idea of examining sexism in my pasttimes that I need to threaten a woman with violence and violation and make all my friends do it too …because that’s not going to solidify her case completely.”
and another thing to add btw regarding to 50 shades of grey
sure have the jokes and what not but pls don’t make it out that the poorly written sex scenes are what’s wrong with the books
i can deal with badly written sex scenes
the problem with these books is that
- there is an abusive relationship going on here which is constantly romanticised
- the leading lady, Anastasia is constantly subjected to having her independence, space and personal freedoms compromised by a guy who has literally forced his way in to all of her personal matters and relationships
- the same fucker who fucking yelled at her for seeing her mother
- the same guy who actually lead to the emotional and mental break down of his previous partner because of his bullshit manipulative behaviour
- the writer of this series is ableist as fuck and uses mental illness as a reason for the why one of the “bad characters” ( said ex who had a mental breakdown) is evil
- i repeat, equating having a mental illness/ mental breakdown/ suicidal behaviour to demonstrate how bad a character is
- like this shit is beyond fucked up
- also, it’s incredibly irresponsible in its depiction of BDSM relationships- because where a good BDSM relationship to work, there has to be a fuck tonne load of consent and understanding
- which the relationship in this book is utterly deprived of
- also having ben-wa balls up your vagina for a near 3 hours is the worst thing you can do to a partner what the fuck EL James
- also let us not forget about the racism and the fucked up stereotypes of gay folk
- the list goes on here btw in terms of the internalised misogyny, the shaming of sex workers, the poor depiction’s of trauma and abuse and yeah it goes onSo yes, have the jokes and all, but there is some real problematic bullshit going in these books that really requires a load of calling out for.
TW: institutionalized ableism, abuse, violence, torture (potential seizure trigger in the video)
update/more info on the earlier info I posted, from Mother Jones, via disabledtalk
We had already planned to focus a week on education, disability, and ableism. Unfortunately, this coincided with fresh news about just how much a problem ableism and education are. Please be warned that the video included in this article is extremely difficult to watch, and very triggering. The trigger warnings also go for the text, but especially for the video.
Teen Is Tied Down, Shocked By Teachers at “School” for Autistic Kids
“In 2007, we ran a devastating exposé of the Judge Rotenberg Center, a “school” that took mentally and psychologically troubled kids from across the country and treated them by hooking them up to electrodes and shocking them whenever they misbehaved or displayed symptoms of their disorders, like autism. Reports from former students and staff were horrific, and Jennifer Gonnerman’s extensive reporting helped launch or fortify state and local investigations into the school, and its founder Matthew Israel. Yet despite the investigations and ongoing lawsuits, the school managed to stay open.
Last month the school was targeted by Anonymous, which released a video condemning the “torture” of its students. But the video that may truly take down Rotenberg for good is below. Just yesterday this footage of a Rotenberg student being restrained and shocked for hours was played in a Massachusetts courtroom:
(EDIT: We received a message pointing out that some people have been reporting seizure triggers in the video, so please be warned. It can be seen at the source, motherjones.com, but again be aware that it is extremely triggering.)
The disturbing video, which Boston’s Fox 25 received permission to air despite the objections of Rotenberg’s lawyers, shows a 2002 incident in which 18-year-old Andre McCollins was restrained, face-down, on the floor of a classroom, and then given 31 shocks—all because he had refused to take off his coat.
McCollins is currently suing Rotenberg. His mother Cheryl testified yesterday, “I never signed up for him to be tortured, terrorized, and abused. I had no idea—no idea—that they tortured the children in the school.” More footage is expected to be shown in court today.
As a note, JRC isn’t JUST for kids with autism (kids with mental, behavioral and physical disabilities of all kinds are enrolled there), but that’s how MJ ran it and probably kids somewhere on the autism spectrum do make up a majority of the attendees there, so. Nitpicking.
[TW: abuse, reproductive coercion]
A few weeks ago my mom stapled pages of a story in one of her women’s magazines together and handed it to me. She gave it to me pretty much with the tag lines “for your feminist blog” and “something new to consider.” Indeed it was; she knows me well.
The story is titled “I was forced to be pregnant.” With a title like that, reading it was actually not on the top of my to read list. I thought it was about women not exercising their right to choice. I was very, very wrong on that one.
Have you ever heard of Reproductive coercion? It is a term that was quite recently coined by the advocates against domestic violence to describe a certain type of abuse some women face. It occurs when a man pressures their partner to have kids and/or impregnates them against their will. Reproductive coercion comes in three different types:
1. Emotional pressure that turns into verbal and physical abuse.
2. Sabotaging birth control
3. Marital rape
Over 75% of women 19-49 who reported once experiencing domestic violence also endured some type of reproductive control by men. It’s all about control and domination over a woman’s body.
The first story in the magazine is about a woman who got married around 36 years of age. After a few months of dating her boyfriend talked excitedly about having children. After he proposed he began calling her “The Babymaker.” She then confided with him that one of her fallopian tubes was blocked. He in return insisted she see a fertility doctor. She recounts, “I had finally met a great guy who was eager to start a family with me. What woman wouldn’t fall for that?” Soon after her honeymoon he persisted on in an obsessive manner, but his efforts had to be temporarily halted as she had to get emergency back surgery. Alas, 6 months into recovery he was back to pressuring her again. She was in much pain at the time due to her back, but she agreed to In Vitro Fertilization. She then became pregnant, but soon miscarried. In response, her husband grabbed her by the neck, choking her. He apologized, blaming his outburst on his grief and had her sign up for another round of IVF. And then a third round. She tried to put him off with the excuse that she needed to weigh more before she could take treatments, her husband forced her to get on the scale often and filled the fridge with fattening foods. “It hurt that all I was good for was getting pregnant.” She recounts. At the end, he screamed at her, threatening to replace her with a maid if she couldn’t get pregnant and she told him she no longer wanted to have his child. He destroyed bedroom furniture, pushed her down the stairs and threatened her with a gun. She fled to a domestic violence shelter.
The second story was about a woman who faced marital rape. This woman was 40, had a then boyfriend and two children from a previous marriage. After telling her boyfriend she did not want any more children, her boyfriend refused to wear a condom and began to rape her. She then became pregnant with her third child. Birth control was never an option for her because she couldn’t hide pills anywhere for he went through all of her belongings. Three months after giving birth, he raped her again, impregnating her with twins. She lost the twins in a physical fight with him, but soon became pregnant again. During her recovery she begged her obstetrician to remove her ovaries and devise a lie to tell him; that she had cancer. After a decade of sexual abuse and violence she was able to get a job that kept her out of the house and often times traveling.
One in four callers to the National Domestic Abuse hotline said that their partners had tried to force them to become pregnant. Why? As one woman stated, “Its like he wants to own me from the inside out.” Having a baby is the perfect tie that binds. These type of abusers want to create a circumstance in which their partner is dependent on him.
WHAT’S THAT HAVE TO DO WITH PLANNED PARENTHOOD?
Many voters never consider how defunding these clinics could hurt victims of domestic violence who turn to them for counseling as well as pregnancy prevention. Abused women will turn to health care providers long before they will turn to domestic abuse hotlines and organizations. Many women in abusive relationships rely on life saving, affordable care programs such as Title X. It is critical that such places are open and operation when women and children need them so desperately.
I’m still worried about the woman from the second story! Has she actually left the guy or is she just out of the house? What about the kids, are they okay?? Agh.
It’s not just physical abuse, either: a lot of people in this article were also choked, raped or otherwise harmed outside the pregnancy, but that’s not necessary for abuse to happen. First of all your reproductive system is your own and no one should be coercing you to have kids, but also: being pregnant puts you in a position where it’s easy to feel under someone else’s control, especially if they’re the main wage earner, or you can’t drive. Physically and financially it’s hard to get OUT of a relationship (especially once the ‘it’s my baby too’ card gets drawn) that’s abusive during pregnancy because you have to have alternate solutions. I mean, this is true of ANY relationship where one person is financially under the other’s control or has fewer friends/family around to provide help. Guilt is a pretty strong control mechanism. Add in being told “it’s my baby too” and suddenly it’s easy to see how someone could be manipulated and not have any way to feasibly get out.
Plus, a lot of people can be pressured into having or keeping a baby in an already-emotionally volatile relationship with the promise that things will ‘get better’ because of the baby - I’ve known relationships like this - but of course, a baby doesn’t make emotional violence go away, it just adds a kid to the equation who’s being traumatized and who all too frequently ends up being some kind of collateral.
Why I’m furious with PETA, and you should be too.
In response to one of PETA’s recent ads, I have decided that I’m done with that bullshit. the rest of this is under a cut to prevent wall-spamming, but I promise to be as eloquent and informative as possible. [possible tw for abuse]
I sometimes think PETA itself is a astroturf organization funded by the meat industry. Like, I hate them that much for their stupid bullshit. There are things I’m aware of through PETA/PETA2 that I wouldn’t have ordinarily been, and there are things that a lot of people hate them for that have been debunked (PetaKillsAnimals, for instance, is an astroturfing group that exaggerates a lot of widely believed numbers).
But their overall position and, moreover, marketing ideas, are so aggressive, misogynist, annoying and shameless that I honestly think they make carnivores and omnivores MORE set in their ways, not to mention perpetuate the stereotype of vegans and vegetarians as obnoxious health freak hipsters who can’t eat anything and are determined to ruin your next meal with gory brochures.
Cristian Fernandez is only 12 years old. And if Florida prosecutor Angela Corey has her way, he’ll never leave jail again.
Cristian hasn’t had an easy life. He’s the same age now as his mother was when he was born. He’s a survivor of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. In 2010, Cristian watched his stepfather commit suicide to avoid being charged with abusing Cristian.
Last January, Cristian was wrestling with his 2-year-old brother, David, and accidentally broke David’s leg. Despite this, their mother left Cristian with his brother again in March. While the two boys were alone, Cristian allegedly pushed his brother against a bookcase, and David sustained a head injury. After their mother returned home, she waited six hours before taking David to the hospital. David eventually died.
Now Cristian is being charged with first degree murder — as an adult. He’s the youngest person in the history of his Florida county to receive this charge, and his next hearing is scheduled for tomorrow.
REBLOG AND SIGN THE PETITION BELOW
they dont do this shit to lil white boys. only to ours.
Signed this petition earlier today. This just plain isn’t right. AT ALL.
As someone whose mother works in the abuse field, the fact that there are tons of cases where basically nothing happens or someone gets a slap on the wrist or the kid is said to have some kind of nonexistent congenital disease that causes them to have head trauma that’s neglected for six hours is …well, it’s disturbing as hell actually, but the point is this kid is on the brink of being put away for life for something that adults can get away with.
AND HE’S A CHILD. An abused child who probably has a ton of emotional issues and also: probably doesn’t know how to deal with toddlers like most 12 year olds wouldn’t. And we’re ready to basically fuck up the entire REST of his life instead of, I don’t know, suggesting he probably needs serious long term therapy?