Loving reminder that expunging toxic and abusive people from your life is ok even when you’re related to them
Caring notice that it’s ok to have complex and difficult feelings about people that have hurt you
Gentle memo that you aren’t obligated to forgive anyone if you don’t want to
Tender note that people who tell you otherwise mean you no good
Please stop waiting for some magic moment (that may never happen) to come around. Some magic moment where you are tall, thin, have smooth skin, no cellulite, have a voice that doesn’t sound annoying when you hear yourself recorded. Just show up. Just go do what you love. Stop worrying about whether or not you look cool or nerdy or fat or stupid. You look fine. Your body is fine. You are the only one judging yourself as harshly as you are.
I’m tired of the only standards of androgyny being thinness and masculinity (and, of course, whiteness). I’m genderqueer. I’m still trying to find which label best describes my identity, be it agender, neutrois, androgyne, or some other term. Regardless, androgyny is my preferred presentation. But everything I see and hear tells me that to be androgynous one must be thin, and one must be masculine. Can’t I be a chubby androgyne? Can’t androgyny be about me learning to love my body, even with its curves? Can’t my thighs and stomach and ass be androgynous? I’m not sure there has been an aspect of my transitional journey that has caused me more emotional and physical distress than my desire to squeeze myself into mainstream, skinny, masculine androgyny. It’s not me. It never will be. Do I want to be healthy and exercise more? Of course. Do I necessarily want to lose weight? At this point, I don’t think so. I’ve come so far in the last six months. I’ve gone from grabbing my stomach and crying at the mirror to really, truly and sincerely working on loving every part of myself. It’s hard, and I think it will continue to be hard. But I would rather wake up one day and love what I see in the mirror than agonize over the fact that I will never look like Andrej Pejic.
Today, I pledge to love myself, pound for pound and inch for inch. I pledge to smash my bathroom scale. I pledge to say “fuck you” to fatphobic, femmephobic, white-centric standards of angrogyny.
Fuck yeah chubby androgynes <3
*** I realize that I obviously hold a massive amount of privilege in all of these contexts. I am not thin by any standard, but I hold a lot of size privilege, and do not face systematic oppression based on my size at this point in my life. If I have overstepped in this post, I urge readers to call me out. ***
This was something that was bothering me a lot today (both in the context of other people worrying about it, and my past worries about it - I go between absolutely loving myself and wishing I could look like Chris Corner or something), and I just wanted to repost this because it’s just what I was thinking about.
Fuck sizism. Fuck stereotypes. My curves don’t make me femme, my breasts don’t mean I’m a girl (nor do my clothes choices), my stomach doesn’t make me ugly, and I don’t have to look like a rock star or a model to be androgynous. And neither do you (any of you).
I haven’t weighed myself (except at the doctor) in three years and I feel great about it. As long as my heart keeps functioning and my hormones are okay, there’s nothing I feel that I should change. Sometimes I want to get more exercise. If I do that, that would be fine too. But I don’t need to weigh myself to know if that’s working. And I’m not saying that’s right for everyone. Sometimes you’re the kind of person who likes to know those things, and it’s not triggering or unhealthy. But it’s not NECESSARY and it’s funny how many people that baffles (when I tell people at work that I don’t diet and don’t weigh myself they look at me like I have three heads).
I guess it’s all about the cognitive dissonance. I am a person who has FOUGHT to like myself, who has WORKED HARD to accept myself: belly, cellulite, underarm hair because if I shave I get cysts that suck, this is who I am and I am worthy. So why should I think that I should look like some fictional idol in order to be hot, or cosplay, or be worthy of the title agender or be in pictures or WHATEVER? Those days are fewer now, but they are so common in my friends that I think they need to be addressed anyway.
In response to the OP: I think size privilege has layers, too. Someone who’s a size 6 will have more privilege than a size 12, who has more privilege than a size 20 and on to a 32 and so on. And the judgements are different, as well, at every stage, internally and externally. So it’s legit to feel the way you feel.
Fat acceptance doesn’t simply advocate in favor of fatness. Fat acceptance is also about rejecting a culture that encourages us to rage and lash out at our bodies, even to hate them, for looking a certain way. It’s about setting our own boundaries and knowing ourselves, and making smart decisions about how we live and treat ourselves, and ferociously defending the privacy of those choices. It’s about promoting the idea that anything you do with your body should come from a place of self-care and self-love, not from guilt and judgment and punishment. It’s about demanding that all bodies, no matter their appearance or age or ability, be treated with basic human respect and dignity. That’s the world I’d like to build. For all of us.
Self Care: The Queer Fat Hungry Edition
* Have you checked out Smith’s tumblr Queer Fat Hungry? Go follow them up!
Lately I have been having horrible stomach aches and feeling really sick, and something has started to become very clear to me:
This Hungry V needs to go Gluten Free.
I feel scared about it for so many reasons, namely because I really DO love a baked good section and bread is my favorite food group but I’ve been giving it a try and I feel really good and am eating really delicious food.
Here are some things I have made recently:
Yams w/ spinach, chives, goat cheese, eggz & gluten free biscuits (made with Mim!)
Fried mushrooms and kale with soup
Quinoa porridge with chopped bananas and cinnamon (I actually just rotate the ingredients every morning so I don’t get tired. On Friday morning Julia and I put chocolate chips in our porridge!). I usually go with fresh or dried fruit and sliced almonds or sunflower seeds but really you can do ANYTHING with this)
Rice crisps + black bean dip
Veggie yam chipotle chili with corn bread
Gluten free apple crisp
It’s really not very different from how I normally eat, and my body is thanking me by not feeling really bad which I want to acknowledge and honor.
Mister/Mz Majestic Legay
(and then Julia and I baked a pie for my neighbor because we thought it would be cute and vintage of us since nobody ever does shit like that anymore, isn’t it purdy? if I could just bake purdy pies forever, I probably would).
A Random Acquistion of Handy Mental Health Stuff
210 Things to Do Instead of Cutting: http://www.secrettalk.com/secrets/210-things-to-do-instead-of-cutting/14316931/
Raising My Boychick: Thoughts on Radical Acceptance: http://www.raisingmyboychick.com/2011/03/thoughts-on-radical-acceptance/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+RaisingMyBoychick+%28Raising+My+Boychick%29&utm_content=Twitter
Organizing Upgrade: Rock Dove -Building Healthy Communities: http://www.organizingupgrade.com/2011/02/building-healthy-communities/
An encouraging letter from Stephen Fry: http://www.lettersofnote.com/2009/10/it-will-be-sunny-one-day.html
Dave Navarro’s How to Train Yourself to be in the Mood You Want to be In: http://www.rockyourday.com/how-to-train-yourself-to-be-in-the-mood-you-want/
Feeling Suicidal? How to Help Yourself: http://www.healthyplace.com/depression/suicide/feeling-suicidal-how-to-help-yourself/menu-id-68/
Kate Bornstein’s Blog for Teens, Freaks, and Other Outlaws: http://www.katebornstein.typepad.com/
Caring for Your Introvert: http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2003/03/caring-for-your-introvert/2696/
37 Things You Should Never Apologize For (And Why): http://mysilentmusings.wordpress.com/2010/12/07/37-things-you-should-never-apologize-for-and-why/
How to be Alone by Tanya Davis: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs&list=PLEE823A466D1E990D&index=4&feature=plpp
A Better Son/Daughter by Rilo Kiley: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0sy7y54XAE&list=PLFF89301003AB6FF4&index=1&feature=plpp
Epic Self Care Post: http://youarenotyou.tumblr.com/post/6946080609/epic-self-care-post
Message me if you would like book or zine recommendations.
Remember: it does not matter how slow you go as long as you do not stop. Stay alive, dearhearts.